Absolutes

I have a lot of respect for people who are able to listen openly to information and points of view which are contrary to their current way of thinking. Then seriously consider that information and come to a well thought out and educated decision on a topic, even if the experience does not end up changing their minds.

Most people have a set of principals that they believe in and follow in their lives. Many of which were taught to us in our youth by family, school and church. It is easy as children to accept what we are taught at face value and then hold those principals throughout our adult lives.

Much of society wants to paint people who listen to other points of view with an open mind as if they are weak for doing so or as if they do not have a solid set of principals already. We have all heard the accusatory phrase “don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out”.

I would argue that people who are open minded are not weak but they are actually courageous. They have to deal with friends and family that are often displeased with them for even considering another way of thinking as if it is a personal attack on them and their morals. They become defensive of their beliefs.

But a person who allows themselves to be open-minded is doing it so that they can feel secure in their principals. They can’t look at themselves in the mirror unless they know that they personally did the work to come to their own conclusions.  "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." Galatians 6:4

When considering all points of view it is important to remember that the view is different for each person depending on where they are standing. Just like the view from the bottom of a mountain is significantly different than the view from the top. The person on top is able to see that a storm is coming in the distance. The person on the bottom is able to feel the cool water in a small creek covered by the shade of trees. The person on the top of the mountain might not be aware that there is water nearby. The person on the bottom might not be aware that there is a storm coming. What if the person on the top of the mountain were to say, “There is no water around here, so we must walk many miles in hopes of finding water.” From his point of view that is a true statement and there is no way anyone could tell him different because he has seen it with his own eyes. But if he were to listen anyway to what the person at the bottom had to say he would find out that his view was not complete after all. Listening to one another is also the foundation for binding people together instead of perpetuating our current cultural division. Respect builds bridges.

I believe that our only chance for peace in this world starts with listening respectfully to one another. It is only pride that prevents people from doing so.  "The pride of your heart has deceived you." Obadiah 1:3

Wisdom is the continual practice of listening with an open mind. What is true today may not be true tomorrow. Consider all of the new scientific discoveries, inventions and human accomplishments. It is not logical to stick our fingers in our ears and refuse to listen or to listen but only with the intention of finding ways to discredit or disprove. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”, James 1:19. Just keeping quiet while someone speaks is not listening. Listening is a verb. It is something you do, not the lack of doing something.

I spent the first half of my life thinking in a very black and white, right and wrong manner. It is quick and easy to say that lying, stealing and murder are all very bad. And in most cases we would agree that they are. But if we break down each individual situation and the people involved we will sometimes find that someone told a lie in an attempt to protect someone that they love. Another person stole a loaf of bread to feed their starving child. And yet another person killed someone who broke into their home in a threatening manner. It is when we dig into humanity that we discover the world is made up of many shades of gray rather than black and while.

This change in my thinking is probably the most fundamental change to my personal principals. Although I suspect that Ayn Rand was sarcastic when she wrote this, I personally agree that “There’s no necessity to burden oneself with absolutes.”

An Exercise in Imagination

Imagine with me: You can see everyone with a metaphorical heart in their chest.  Any feeling of love going out to or coming in from others looks like a bright light.  The heart itself glows because of the love it contains. A healthy heart is one that pumps light in and out like a constant flow of blood.  And that love light has healing power. 

Now imagine two metal sliding doors that open and close over the heart like two stage curtains.  Each person chooses how open or closed those doors are.  People who keep them completely closed do so in fear to protect themselves from exposure to emotional shrapnel shot at them by others.  They have often suffered injury and carry scars with them.  But the closed doors also prevent any light from going in or out which isolates the heart from new light.  The injury can not be fully healed without a fresh flow of light.

The opposite side of the coin are people who keep their doors wide open all of the time.  They are able to send out and receive lots of light.  But they are often injured by emotional shrapnel because it flies everywhere, not just at the target it was aimed at.  Most people keep their doors partially open at a level that is comfortable to them in an attempt to send out and receive light while suffering a minimal amount of emotional injury in the process.

But now imagine that there is a bullet proof, plexiglass window that can be lowered down over the heart the way you would lower a garage door.  This allows the light to come in and out of the heart freely while protecting the heart from damage.  Not many people have discovered their ability to locate and use this tool.  The few that have do not struggle so much with worry about what others think of them.  And they tend to become our heroes and spiritual leaders who we look up to such as Jesus, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama, among others.  This did not entirely prevent them from feeling the hurts of this life.  But it dulled the pain and helped them to focus on more important issues.  And it is these leaders who appear to exude such emotional peace which draws people to study under them for the purpose of discovering how to locate the plexiglass window which resides within themselves.

This is the point at which religions start.  People gather to follow and learn from a leader.  Those people become the church.  The leader's teachings become the religious text which the people try to follow like the law.  Many people will find the peace they seek from following the religion but many others will still be unfulfilled.  And they will blame themselves for this as if they are not as good as others because of it.  Some will spend their entire lives in a religion that never really brought them the peace they sought.  But others will leave that religion to begin to follow yet another leader who has yet another way to reach peace and a new religion is soon established from his teachings as well.  It appears to be a cycle which has perpetuated since the dawn of time.  And it explains why we have so many world religions.

It is undeniable that we all seek peace.  And we know there is peace to be found on Earth because we have observed it in the lives of the few, many of which took different paths to discover their personal peace. But for the rest of us our eternal search continues.

A Mother's Story

I am a mother of two children who were born 7 years apart. I had my first child, a son, when I was 23 years old.  I used to swear that from the day I brought him home from the hospital he never wanted to sleep.  As an infant he hated to be put in his crib by himself.  I would rock him to sleep then lay him down and he would wake right back up again.  I remember being so exhausted. 

I went back to work full time when he was 3 months old.  My weekends with him were more tiring than my work days because I still struggled to get him to take naps.  I would drive him around in the car in the middle of the day just to get him to sleep and keep him strapped in to give myself a break.  Then when he started moving he just never stopped.  I could not take my eyes off of him for one second.  I can think of at least three occasions where he could have died between the ages of 1 and 3 because he was quicker than myself and other adults and we underestimated him.

The first time I had just finished changing his diaper in the car in a mall parking lot.  I reached over to dig something out of the diaper bag and he took off running between the parked cars.  I was only a second behind him in chase but it would not have been quick enough to stop him.  However, his angels caused him to stop at the last moment before a car flew by nearly running him over.  When I think about it even now my heart drops into my stomach.

The second big scare was at a friends birthday pool party.  This story is almost identical to the first except when he took off running (as I reached over to grab a towel) he went straight into the deep end of the pool.  Again, I was only a second behind him and I jumped in to pull him out.  He coughed up a lot of water while I tried to sew all of my nerves back together.

Whenever we were away from home I made him hold my hand at all times.  And even when we were home I was afraid to go to the bathroom because there was no telling what he would get into even in that short time.  Between the ages of 3 and 4 we were kicked out of 3 different day care facilities.  He just was too much for them to handle.

It was easy to notice that my son was not like my friend's children.  I was amazed to see them bring their child to a restaurant and watch them sit at the table while mine tried to climb all over the place.  My friends could walk with their kids into a store without holding hands and the child would stay right next to them.  My friends could have a conversation with me for a few minutes and nothing bad would happen.  I would tell my friends how my son was different and how challenging he was.  I could tell that they thought I was overreacting or exaggerating.  Strangers would give me dirty looks when my son threw a tantrum because I would not let him run around the store.  I imagine that they probably thought he just needed more discipline.

A good friend of mine who had a son the same age as mine offered to take my son overnight so my husband and I could have a night out.  I think he was 3 years old.  I warned her over and over that he knew how to pull a chair over to the door and escape.  I told her she needed to be sure that her door had a flip lock up high in addition to the regular lock or he would get out.  She assured me they would be fine.  When I came to pick him up the next day I found out that things had not been fine.  That morning her son came into her room and she told him to go play with my son and give her a little more time to sleep.  Her son told her that my son went home.  She said "no he didn't" and then it hit her.  She jumped up and ran to the front room where her front door was standing wide open and my son was gone.  She lived in an apartment complex down in San Diego county.  She ran out in her nightgown looking for him and found him playing happily in the front seat of a police car.  One of the neighbors had found him and fed him donuts while they waited for the police to show up.  Yet another example of the way angels have always watched over him.

But he was smart - real smart.  He was reading books at the age of 4 before he started school.  And he was a very joyful child - most of the time.  He was overwhelmingly curious and when he thought of something he just did it.  He had no fear of anything and he liked everyone, although not everyone could handle his energy.  And he was a kind and compassionate kid.

I was real nervous when he started kindergarten.  I talked to his teacher regularly because I wanted to work with her to help him do well.  She used to give out candy to the kids as treats and rewards.  So I would bring in sugar free candy for her to give to my son. The sugar did not cause his hyperactivity, but we certainly observed that it made it worse.  Since he already knew how to read kindergarten was not really about academics as much as learning social skills for him.  But time after time he was in trouble seated at the bench outside by himself or on the computer inside being used as a babysitter.  His teacher finally told me one day that he will not succeed in school unless we put him on medication.

I was shocked and irritated by her words.  I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help my son but I considered medication to be a last resort considering he fact that he was only 5 years old.  And he was starting to get depressed from getting in trouble so much at school.  So we pulled him out and let him finish that year with his daycare provider, who was a real blessing to us.  She continued to work with him on his social skills to help get him ready for 1st grade.  I made quite a ruckus when I pulled him out of school so when it was time for 1st grade to start the principal and teacher really worked with us and there was no more mention of medication.  But it was still not easy.

I used to read every self-help and parenting book I could find.  I even went to a child psychologist to help me better parent my son.  We tried vitamins and strict diets.  We tried charts and positive reinforcement.  We used consequences and he was spanked from time to time.  I tried time out but that does not work when your kid knows that he can just stand up and walk away. 

School remained a challenge for him to control his impulses and focus.  However, when he went through puberty his hyperactivity lessened a lot.  But of course puberty brings with it new overwhelming emotions he had to learn to deal with. He had to claw and scrape his way though his childhood school years in a sense.  Our culture is not set up for a child like him to thrive in.  He was not easily moldable because he was not made that way.  But I have purposely left out any titles or categories when talking about my son because I do not see any benefit to putting him in a box.

When he was in middle school I gave him the option to try medicine for ADHD.  I had always been reluctant to give it to him because I heard about the way it often suppressed the personality of a child.  I was afraid it would take away his sparkle for life.  But I also did not want to keep it from him if it could help.  So he tried it for a short time and then he decided that he did not like it so we stopped.

He is in college now and doing well.  He knows his personal challenges and he has 21 years of tools and experience to help him.  Things are still not always easy for him but he knows the value of working hard, and his intelligence has always helped him make up for some of his attention issues.  Most importantly he is a very kind and compassionate man and that is what brings me the most pride.

When he was 7 years old I gave birth to my second son.  At that time I was still making my eldest son hold my hand everywhere we went.  I remember praying that my second son would not be quite so challenging.  I was afraid of having to raise two children like that at the same time and I knew that the older I got the less energy I had.

But God answered my prayer.  My second son is different from my first in almost every way.  He has brought me new and different challenges.  But I have the benefit of mothering him at a much slower pace.  He is a teenager now and it is interesting to see the differences in my sons at different stages of their lives.  One thing they have in common is that they are both quite sensitive.  Girls certainly do not corner the market on the ability to have empathy and I am most proud to raise sons who think about others as much as themselves.

Losing My Religion

Many (or dare I say “most”) children who are raised in a religious and/or political culture tend to retain those beliefs into their adult life.  This is why the bible says to teach them when they are young because the young ones do not know to ask questions.  They swallow whatever you feed them because they trust you.  This can obviously be either a positive or a negative thing depending on circumstances.  I think that all of that young programming has the potential of turning into fear of what they do not know.  And it is that fear that can keep people from exploring other opinions.

When I really started getting serious about college and started taking classes like anthropology and gender psychology, I remember feeling a little worried.  I had a hunger for knowledge and I was working hard toward my goal, but I was honestly afraid that the knowledge I gained would negatively affect my faith.  I remember praying that God would help me and strengthen me so that I would not lose my faith.  My faith has always been such an important part of me that the thought of losing it was frightening.  I could have walked away from learning in response to that fear, but my prayers brought me a level of trust in God, so I continued.  And I am very glad that I did.  It is absolutely true that facts, theories and concepts challenged my long held beliefs and some of those beliefs changed over time as I gained more knowledge.  My spiritual life has undergone changes as well.  I still value my relationship with the Holy Spirit but I believe that I have been given a brain so that I might use it as well.  Now that I have faced issues head on, considered all of the angles and come to my own conclusions I am finally at peace in my spiritual life.  I no longer blindly follow the teachings of the church.  My faith is truly my own at this point.  The choice I made to educate myself in spite of my fear turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.  I have been freed from carrying the overbearing load of fear and shame that I used to walk in daily as a result of those old beliefs.  I am sure that it will sound ironic and even blasphemous to some, but I believe that the Holy Spirit guided my steps to bring me to this very place in my life.  

I have shared that story because I think that both religion and politics play on fear cultivated in the culture of our youth.  And at this point I would like to consider a political issue.  The biggest complaint alleged by those who are opposed to Bernie Sanders as an American president is that he is a socialist.  And then they are quick to say that socialism is just a step away from communism.  To me that sounds like a response to fear.  They are afraid of something that “could” happen with no proof that it will.

Personally, I have not made a decision with regard to the presidential race at this time.  And the good news is that there is still plenty of time for me to openly explore the candidates and issues.  So far everything I hear and read about Bernie Sanders leads me to believe that he is a compassionate, honest and committed person.  He seems like the kind of person I would like to have as a friend.  I like most of what he has to say (there is not a candidate out there who I agree with on all of the issues) and I am curious to imagine what might happen with our country if we had a chance to be led by someone with his character.  

Again, I do not know enough yet to make an informed decision.  But I can’t help but wonder if running away from Bernie is just an act of fear much like my fear of losing my religion.  We are so worried about the “American Way”.  But the American Way is whatever we make it.  And sometimes the way in which we do things needs to change.  Holding on to doing something a certain way just because our founding fathers did it that way does not necessarily mean that it is best for us to continue along that path.  Putting up mental walls to other points of view accomplishes nothing but preventing our own growth.  And to speak candidly, we are hurting one another.  We need a lot less thinking about what is good for me and a lot more thinking about what is good for others as well.  In fact most religious teachings support that very notion.  At the end of the day I want to be the kind of person who errs on the side of treating others with love and compassion.  Not because of any religion but because I know in my spirit that is the way it should be.  

I know what some of you are thinking – communist.  It certainly would not be the first time I’ve been accused of that on-line by those who supposedly love me.  But I can’t help but wonder…do you think those same people would be calling Jesus a communist in this day and age?

Emotions - Sit With It

I have been struggling with anxiety for a few years now which is something that I have had to learn to adjust to.  Admittedly it is a bad sign when a person feels the need to take anxiety medicine every work day just to function.  I think that anxiety is a physical response our bodies are having when we live and work in a high stress environment long enough for it to result in our adrenaline valve getting stuck wide open, leaving us with the feeling of fight or flight at all times.  I wonder, if all we do is medicate chronic anxiety long enough our bodies might start responding to us like the boy who cried wolf.  What if one day we truly are in danger but chronic anxiety has resulted in extreme fatigue, then we may not have the ability to either fight or flight and then we end up, what, dead?

Although anxiety certainly is a challenge for me, I would not normally consider myself to be depressed.  There have been periods in my life when I have struggled with feeling low.  Or maybe a better description would be that I felt concerned about the fact that I seemed to go for periods of time having no discernible emotions either way.  As if my feelings were numb.  But numbness did not seem normal so it felt like something was off.

When I have an anxiety attack I feel desperate to take something or do something as soon as possible to relieve it or numb it in some way.  But when I am feeling low I am just waiting for something to part the clouds, weather it is the sun or the rain.  The ability to feel is life.  Without feelings we are just biological machines.  I can understand people who self harm to get the adrenaline rush because it fills them with feeling where previously there was none.  But there are other, safer, ways to break through the fog.

We are always actively seeking out things in our lives to generate a feeling of happiness, even if we are not consciously aware of doing so.  But all our feelings are fleeting.  So we spend our lives searching for our next fix.  And like a drug, what brought us happiness in the past might not be enough to evoke that same height of emotion at a later time in life.

When we get sad we treat it like we caught the flu.  We buy over the counter medicine, eat better and rest to treat ourselves well so that we might recover as quickly as possible.  We are grateful if it turns out to be just a 24 hour bug.

But happiness is not the only valuable emotion.  I think sadness can be a useful tool.  To clarify, I am not referring to extreme depression where a person is feeling no hope at all.  I am talking about periods of sadness that we all experience when we are cognizant of the feeling and we have the desire to rise out of it because we can visualize life on the other side.  It is tempting to self medicate during these times.  And, yes, that will bring temporary relief.  But that works about as well as applying a face full of makeup over your pimples so that you feel presentable enough to attend a party.  The trouble with that is when you come home that evening and wash your face the pimples are still there.

What if we don't try to make the feeling of sadness go away or cover it up?... Stay with me here...  What if we take a different approach and sit with it.  Whatever the feeling is, welcome it.  Pull out a chair for it.  Offer it a cup of coffee.  And sit with it as if there is no shortage of time.  I think it is possible that if we stop running and start listening, sadness is just one of the ways that the "still small voice" uses to speak to us.

Emotions are messy and uncomfortable.  Just like the ride  home from the beach in winter when you were accidentally knocked over by a rogue wave while wearing jeans and tennis shoes.  You only planned on talking a walk on the beach.  You didn't plan on getting wet so you didn't bring a towel.  As you drive down the freeway headed home you can feel the grit of the sand which somehow made it's way into unspeakable places.  And you are shivering because it is 60 degrees outside and you are soaking wet from top to toe.  It is because emotions are uncomfortable that we are always trying to avoid them the way you avoid your Great Uncle Bill because you know that once he gets started he will talk your ear off for over an hour.

But we can not avoid the mess of life altogether.  If we try to run from our emotions instead of listening to see what they are trying to tell us, then the mess will just end up hitting us somewhere else.  In fact in might be possible to mitigate the mess of emotions if we listen to them when they first come on instead of putting it off.

I think that meeting with a counselor, discussing your feelings with a trusted friend or reading self help books can be a good way to open up a self discussion. Increasing our knowledge and experience allow us to explore more thoughts and concepts.  But I have found that when I sit with my emotions there have been times when a concept that I was familiar with had been brought to the forefront of my mind in a completely new way as a revelation to myself.  It is those revelations that bring me joy.  I would not want to give up my periods of inner turmoil if it meant missing out on what I consider to be my secret treasures.