I am a mother of two children who were born 7 years apart. I had my first child, a son, when I was 23 years old. I used to swear that from the day I brought him home from the hospital he never wanted to sleep. As an infant he hated to be put in his crib by himself. I would rock him to sleep then lay him down and he would wake right back up again. I remember being so exhausted.
I went back to work full time when he was 3 months old. My weekends with him were more tiring than my work days because I still struggled to get him to take naps. I would drive him around in the car in the middle of the day just to get him to sleep and keep him strapped in to give myself a break. Then when he started moving he just never stopped. I could not take my eyes off of him for one second. I can think of at least three occasions where he could have died between the ages of 1 and 3 because he was quicker than myself and other adults and we underestimated him.
The first time I had just finished changing his diaper in the car in a mall parking lot. I reached over to dig something out of the diaper bag and he took off running between the parked cars. I was only a second behind him in chase but it would not have been quick enough to stop him. However, his angels caused him to stop at the last moment before a car flew by nearly running him over. When I think about it even now my heart drops into my stomach.
The second big scare was at a friends birthday pool party. This story is almost identical to the first except when he took off running (as I reached over to grab a towel) he went straight into the deep end of the pool. Again, I was only a second behind him and I jumped in to pull him out. He coughed up a lot of water while I tried to sew all of my nerves back together.
Whenever we were away from home I made him hold my hand at all times. And even when we were home I was afraid to go to the bathroom because there was no telling what he would get into even in that short time. Between the ages of 3 and 4 we were kicked out of 3 different day care facilities. He just was too much for them to handle.
It was easy to notice that my son was not like my friend's children. I was amazed to see them bring their child to a restaurant and watch them sit at the table while mine tried to climb all over the place. My friends could walk with their kids into a store without holding hands and the child would stay right next to them. My friends could have a conversation with me for a few minutes and nothing bad would happen. I would tell my friends how my son was different and how challenging he was. I could tell that they thought I was overreacting or exaggerating. Strangers would give me dirty looks when my son threw a tantrum because I would not let him run around the store. I imagine that they probably thought he just needed more discipline.
A good friend of mine who had a son the same age as mine offered to take my son overnight so my husband and I could have a night out. I think he was 3 years old. I warned her over and over that he knew how to pull a chair over to the door and escape. I told her she needed to be sure that her door had a flip lock up high in addition to the regular lock or he would get out. She assured me they would be fine. When I came to pick him up the next day I found out that things had not been fine. That morning her son came into her room and she told him to go play with my son and give her a little more time to sleep. Her son told her that my son went home. She said "no he didn't" and then it hit her. She jumped up and ran to the front room where her front door was standing wide open and my son was gone. She lived in an apartment complex down in San Diego county. She ran out in her nightgown looking for him and found him playing happily in the front seat of a police car. One of the neighbors had found him and fed him donuts while they waited for the police to show up. Yet another example of the way angels have always watched over him.
But he was smart - real smart. He was reading books at the age of 4 before he started school. And he was a very joyful child - most of the time. He was overwhelmingly curious and when he thought of something he just did it. He had no fear of anything and he liked everyone, although not everyone could handle his energy. And he was a kind and compassionate kid.
I was real nervous when he started kindergarten. I talked to his teacher regularly because I wanted to work with her to help him do well. She used to give out candy to the kids as treats and rewards. So I would bring in sugar free candy for her to give to my son. The sugar did not cause his hyperactivity, but we certainly observed that it made it worse. Since he already knew how to read kindergarten was not really about academics as much as learning social skills for him. But time after time he was in trouble seated at the bench outside by himself or on the computer inside being used as a babysitter. His teacher finally told me one day that he will not succeed in school unless we put him on medication.
I was shocked and irritated by her words. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help my son but I considered medication to be a last resort considering he fact that he was only 5 years old. And he was starting to get depressed from getting in trouble so much at school. So we pulled him out and let him finish that year with his daycare provider, who was a real blessing to us. She continued to work with him on his social skills to help get him ready for 1st grade. I made quite a ruckus when I pulled him out of school so when it was time for 1st grade to start the principal and teacher really worked with us and there was no more mention of medication. But it was still not easy.
I used to read every self-help and parenting book I could find. I even went to a child psychologist to help me better parent my son. We tried vitamins and strict diets. We tried charts and positive reinforcement. We used consequences and he was spanked from time to time. I tried time out but that does not work when your kid knows that he can just stand up and walk away.
School remained a challenge for him to control his impulses and focus. However, when he went through puberty his hyperactivity lessened a lot. But of course puberty brings with it new overwhelming emotions he had to learn to deal with. He had to claw and scrape his way though his childhood school years in a sense. Our culture is not set up for a child like him to thrive in. He was not easily moldable because he was not made that way. But I have purposely left out any titles or categories when talking about my son because I do not see any benefit to putting him in a box.
When he was in middle school I gave him the option to try medicine for ADHD. I had always been reluctant to give it to him because I heard about the way it often suppressed the personality of a child. I was afraid it would take away his sparkle for life. But I also did not want to keep it from him if it could help. So he tried it for a short time and then he decided that he did not like it so we stopped.
He is in college now and doing well. He knows his personal challenges and he has 21 years of tools and experience to help him. Things are still not always easy for him but he knows the value of working hard, and his intelligence has always helped him make up for some of his attention issues. Most importantly he is a very kind and compassionate man and that is what brings me the most pride.
When he was 7 years old I gave birth to my second son. At that time I was still making my eldest son hold my hand everywhere we went. I remember praying that my second son would not be quite so challenging. I was afraid of having to raise two children like that at the same time and I knew that the older I got the less energy I had.
But God answered my prayer. My second son is different from my first in almost every way. He has brought me new and different challenges. But I have the benefit of mothering him at a much slower pace. He is a teenager now and it is interesting to see the differences in my sons at different stages of their lives. One thing they have in common is that they are both quite sensitive. Girls certainly do not corner the market on the ability to have empathy and I am most proud to raise sons who think about others as much as themselves.
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