Imagine with me: You can see everyone with a metaphorical heart in their chest. Any feeling of love going out to or coming in from others looks like a bright light. The heart itself glows because of the love it contains. A healthy heart is one that pumps light in and out like a constant flow of blood. And that love light has healing power.
Now imagine two metal sliding doors that open and close over the heart like two stage curtains. Each person chooses how open or closed those doors are. People who keep them completely closed do so in fear to protect themselves from exposure to emotional shrapnel shot at them by others. They have often suffered injury and carry scars with them. But the closed doors also prevent any light from going in or out which isolates the heart from new light. The injury can not be fully healed without a fresh flow of light.
The opposite side of the coin are people who keep their doors wide open all of the time. They are able to send out and receive lots of light. But they are often injured by emotional shrapnel because it flies everywhere, not just at the target it was aimed at. Most people keep their doors partially open at a level that is comfortable to them in an attempt to send out and receive light while suffering a minimal amount of emotional injury in the process.
But now imagine that there is a bullet proof, plexiglass window that can be lowered down over the heart the way you would lower a garage door. This allows the light to come in and out of the heart freely while protecting the heart from damage. Not many people have discovered their ability to locate and use this tool. The few that have do not struggle so much with worry about what others think of them. And they tend to become our heroes and spiritual leaders who we look up to such as Jesus, Gandhi and the Dalai Lama, among others. This did not entirely prevent them from feeling the hurts of this life. But it dulled the pain and helped them to focus on more important issues. And it is these leaders who appear to exude such emotional peace which draws people to study under them for the purpose of discovering how to locate the plexiglass window which resides within themselves.
This is the point at which religions start. People gather to follow and learn from a leader. Those people become the church. The leader's teachings become the religious text which the people try to follow like the law. Many people will find the peace they seek from following the religion but many others will still be unfulfilled. And they will blame themselves for this as if they are not as good as others because of it. Some will spend their entire lives in a religion that never really brought them the peace they sought. But others will leave that religion to begin to follow yet another leader who has yet another way to reach peace and a new religion is soon established from his teachings as well. It appears to be a cycle which has perpetuated since the dawn of time. And it explains why we have so many world religions.
It is undeniable that we all seek peace. And we know there is peace to be found on Earth because we have observed it in the lives of the few, many of which took different paths to discover their personal peace. But for the rest of us our eternal search continues.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
A Mother's Story
I am a mother of two children who were born 7 years apart. I had my first child, a son, when I was 23 years old. I used to swear that from the day I brought him home from the hospital he never wanted to sleep. As an infant he hated to be put in his crib by himself. I would rock him to sleep then lay him down and he would wake right back up again. I remember being so exhausted.
I went back to work full time when he was 3 months old. My weekends with him were more tiring than my work days because I still struggled to get him to take naps. I would drive him around in the car in the middle of the day just to get him to sleep and keep him strapped in to give myself a break. Then when he started moving he just never stopped. I could not take my eyes off of him for one second. I can think of at least three occasions where he could have died between the ages of 1 and 3 because he was quicker than myself and other adults and we underestimated him.
The first time I had just finished changing his diaper in the car in a mall parking lot. I reached over to dig something out of the diaper bag and he took off running between the parked cars. I was only a second behind him in chase but it would not have been quick enough to stop him. However, his angels caused him to stop at the last moment before a car flew by nearly running him over. When I think about it even now my heart drops into my stomach.
The second big scare was at a friends birthday pool party. This story is almost identical to the first except when he took off running (as I reached over to grab a towel) he went straight into the deep end of the pool. Again, I was only a second behind him and I jumped in to pull him out. He coughed up a lot of water while I tried to sew all of my nerves back together.
Whenever we were away from home I made him hold my hand at all times. And even when we were home I was afraid to go to the bathroom because there was no telling what he would get into even in that short time. Between the ages of 3 and 4 we were kicked out of 3 different day care facilities. He just was too much for them to handle.
It was easy to notice that my son was not like my friend's children. I was amazed to see them bring their child to a restaurant and watch them sit at the table while mine tried to climb all over the place. My friends could walk with their kids into a store without holding hands and the child would stay right next to them. My friends could have a conversation with me for a few minutes and nothing bad would happen. I would tell my friends how my son was different and how challenging he was. I could tell that they thought I was overreacting or exaggerating. Strangers would give me dirty looks when my son threw a tantrum because I would not let him run around the store. I imagine that they probably thought he just needed more discipline.
A good friend of mine who had a son the same age as mine offered to take my son overnight so my husband and I could have a night out. I think he was 3 years old. I warned her over and over that he knew how to pull a chair over to the door and escape. I told her she needed to be sure that her door had a flip lock up high in addition to the regular lock or he would get out. She assured me they would be fine. When I came to pick him up the next day I found out that things had not been fine. That morning her son came into her room and she told him to go play with my son and give her a little more time to sleep. Her son told her that my son went home. She said "no he didn't" and then it hit her. She jumped up and ran to the front room where her front door was standing wide open and my son was gone. She lived in an apartment complex down in San Diego county. She ran out in her nightgown looking for him and found him playing happily in the front seat of a police car. One of the neighbors had found him and fed him donuts while they waited for the police to show up. Yet another example of the way angels have always watched over him.
But he was smart - real smart. He was reading books at the age of 4 before he started school. And he was a very joyful child - most of the time. He was overwhelmingly curious and when he thought of something he just did it. He had no fear of anything and he liked everyone, although not everyone could handle his energy. And he was a kind and compassionate kid.
I was real nervous when he started kindergarten. I talked to his teacher regularly because I wanted to work with her to help him do well. She used to give out candy to the kids as treats and rewards. So I would bring in sugar free candy for her to give to my son. The sugar did not cause his hyperactivity, but we certainly observed that it made it worse. Since he already knew how to read kindergarten was not really about academics as much as learning social skills for him. But time after time he was in trouble seated at the bench outside by himself or on the computer inside being used as a babysitter. His teacher finally told me one day that he will not succeed in school unless we put him on medication.
I was shocked and irritated by her words. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help my son but I considered medication to be a last resort considering he fact that he was only 5 years old. And he was starting to get depressed from getting in trouble so much at school. So we pulled him out and let him finish that year with his daycare provider, who was a real blessing to us. She continued to work with him on his social skills to help get him ready for 1st grade. I made quite a ruckus when I pulled him out of school so when it was time for 1st grade to start the principal and teacher really worked with us and there was no more mention of medication. But it was still not easy.
I used to read every self-help and parenting book I could find. I even went to a child psychologist to help me better parent my son. We tried vitamins and strict diets. We tried charts and positive reinforcement. We used consequences and he was spanked from time to time. I tried time out but that does not work when your kid knows that he can just stand up and walk away.
School remained a challenge for him to control his impulses and focus. However, when he went through puberty his hyperactivity lessened a lot. But of course puberty brings with it new overwhelming emotions he had to learn to deal with. He had to claw and scrape his way though his childhood school years in a sense. Our culture is not set up for a child like him to thrive in. He was not easily moldable because he was not made that way. But I have purposely left out any titles or categories when talking about my son because I do not see any benefit to putting him in a box.
When he was in middle school I gave him the option to try medicine for ADHD. I had always been reluctant to give it to him because I heard about the way it often suppressed the personality of a child. I was afraid it would take away his sparkle for life. But I also did not want to keep it from him if it could help. So he tried it for a short time and then he decided that he did not like it so we stopped.
He is in college now and doing well. He knows his personal challenges and he has 21 years of tools and experience to help him. Things are still not always easy for him but he knows the value of working hard, and his intelligence has always helped him make up for some of his attention issues. Most importantly he is a very kind and compassionate man and that is what brings me the most pride.
When he was 7 years old I gave birth to my second son. At that time I was still making my eldest son hold my hand everywhere we went. I remember praying that my second son would not be quite so challenging. I was afraid of having to raise two children like that at the same time and I knew that the older I got the less energy I had.
But God answered my prayer. My second son is different from my first in almost every way. He has brought me new and different challenges. But I have the benefit of mothering him at a much slower pace. He is a teenager now and it is interesting to see the differences in my sons at different stages of their lives. One thing they have in common is that they are both quite sensitive. Girls certainly do not corner the market on the ability to have empathy and I am most proud to raise sons who think about others as much as themselves.
I went back to work full time when he was 3 months old. My weekends with him were more tiring than my work days because I still struggled to get him to take naps. I would drive him around in the car in the middle of the day just to get him to sleep and keep him strapped in to give myself a break. Then when he started moving he just never stopped. I could not take my eyes off of him for one second. I can think of at least three occasions where he could have died between the ages of 1 and 3 because he was quicker than myself and other adults and we underestimated him.
The first time I had just finished changing his diaper in the car in a mall parking lot. I reached over to dig something out of the diaper bag and he took off running between the parked cars. I was only a second behind him in chase but it would not have been quick enough to stop him. However, his angels caused him to stop at the last moment before a car flew by nearly running him over. When I think about it even now my heart drops into my stomach.
The second big scare was at a friends birthday pool party. This story is almost identical to the first except when he took off running (as I reached over to grab a towel) he went straight into the deep end of the pool. Again, I was only a second behind him and I jumped in to pull him out. He coughed up a lot of water while I tried to sew all of my nerves back together.
Whenever we were away from home I made him hold my hand at all times. And even when we were home I was afraid to go to the bathroom because there was no telling what he would get into even in that short time. Between the ages of 3 and 4 we were kicked out of 3 different day care facilities. He just was too much for them to handle.
It was easy to notice that my son was not like my friend's children. I was amazed to see them bring their child to a restaurant and watch them sit at the table while mine tried to climb all over the place. My friends could walk with their kids into a store without holding hands and the child would stay right next to them. My friends could have a conversation with me for a few minutes and nothing bad would happen. I would tell my friends how my son was different and how challenging he was. I could tell that they thought I was overreacting or exaggerating. Strangers would give me dirty looks when my son threw a tantrum because I would not let him run around the store. I imagine that they probably thought he just needed more discipline.
A good friend of mine who had a son the same age as mine offered to take my son overnight so my husband and I could have a night out. I think he was 3 years old. I warned her over and over that he knew how to pull a chair over to the door and escape. I told her she needed to be sure that her door had a flip lock up high in addition to the regular lock or he would get out. She assured me they would be fine. When I came to pick him up the next day I found out that things had not been fine. That morning her son came into her room and she told him to go play with my son and give her a little more time to sleep. Her son told her that my son went home. She said "no he didn't" and then it hit her. She jumped up and ran to the front room where her front door was standing wide open and my son was gone. She lived in an apartment complex down in San Diego county. She ran out in her nightgown looking for him and found him playing happily in the front seat of a police car. One of the neighbors had found him and fed him donuts while they waited for the police to show up. Yet another example of the way angels have always watched over him.
But he was smart - real smart. He was reading books at the age of 4 before he started school. And he was a very joyful child - most of the time. He was overwhelmingly curious and when he thought of something he just did it. He had no fear of anything and he liked everyone, although not everyone could handle his energy. And he was a kind and compassionate kid.
I was real nervous when he started kindergarten. I talked to his teacher regularly because I wanted to work with her to help him do well. She used to give out candy to the kids as treats and rewards. So I would bring in sugar free candy for her to give to my son. The sugar did not cause his hyperactivity, but we certainly observed that it made it worse. Since he already knew how to read kindergarten was not really about academics as much as learning social skills for him. But time after time he was in trouble seated at the bench outside by himself or on the computer inside being used as a babysitter. His teacher finally told me one day that he will not succeed in school unless we put him on medication.
I was shocked and irritated by her words. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to help my son but I considered medication to be a last resort considering he fact that he was only 5 years old. And he was starting to get depressed from getting in trouble so much at school. So we pulled him out and let him finish that year with his daycare provider, who was a real blessing to us. She continued to work with him on his social skills to help get him ready for 1st grade. I made quite a ruckus when I pulled him out of school so when it was time for 1st grade to start the principal and teacher really worked with us and there was no more mention of medication. But it was still not easy.
I used to read every self-help and parenting book I could find. I even went to a child psychologist to help me better parent my son. We tried vitamins and strict diets. We tried charts and positive reinforcement. We used consequences and he was spanked from time to time. I tried time out but that does not work when your kid knows that he can just stand up and walk away.
School remained a challenge for him to control his impulses and focus. However, when he went through puberty his hyperactivity lessened a lot. But of course puberty brings with it new overwhelming emotions he had to learn to deal with. He had to claw and scrape his way though his childhood school years in a sense. Our culture is not set up for a child like him to thrive in. He was not easily moldable because he was not made that way. But I have purposely left out any titles or categories when talking about my son because I do not see any benefit to putting him in a box.
When he was in middle school I gave him the option to try medicine for ADHD. I had always been reluctant to give it to him because I heard about the way it often suppressed the personality of a child. I was afraid it would take away his sparkle for life. But I also did not want to keep it from him if it could help. So he tried it for a short time and then he decided that he did not like it so we stopped.
He is in college now and doing well. He knows his personal challenges and he has 21 years of tools and experience to help him. Things are still not always easy for him but he knows the value of working hard, and his intelligence has always helped him make up for some of his attention issues. Most importantly he is a very kind and compassionate man and that is what brings me the most pride.
When he was 7 years old I gave birth to my second son. At that time I was still making my eldest son hold my hand everywhere we went. I remember praying that my second son would not be quite so challenging. I was afraid of having to raise two children like that at the same time and I knew that the older I got the less energy I had.
But God answered my prayer. My second son is different from my first in almost every way. He has brought me new and different challenges. But I have the benefit of mothering him at a much slower pace. He is a teenager now and it is interesting to see the differences in my sons at different stages of their lives. One thing they have in common is that they are both quite sensitive. Girls certainly do not corner the market on the ability to have empathy and I am most proud to raise sons who think about others as much as themselves.
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